We all have stories about our formative years and our first experiences in masturbating, or self-pleasuring.
Some of those stories are hilarious, others are colored with shame and embarrassment. For those of us who were “caught in the act” by a member of our family – that family’s response ranges from the embarrassed hasty escape followed by a lets-never-speak-of-this-again silence to full-on punishment, punctuated with shaming language and a mini-sermon on the evils of the flesh.
Wherever you land on that spectrum, masturbation has seemingly always held a negative connotation in our puritanically-rooted culture. Click here to read just how villified, and socially punished, this practice has been in our culture.
But that bad rap – does it come from a place of truth? Could masturbation REALLY lead to mental illness? Click here for an excellent read addressing this concern.
So it doesn’t lead to mental illness…and maybe you’re sensible enough to know that without having to read it in a study….but what place does self-pleasure hold in your life?
For most of us, “wanking off”, “whacking off”, “getting off” – whatever you want to call it – has turned into a habitual and disembodied act with the sole focus of, well, getting off. Like scratching a sexual itch – we seek to do it as fast as possible, as efficiently as possible, so that we can get our release.
But what if I told you that there was SO MUCH MORE to this practice than merely getting off?
Don’t get me wrong, getting off is fucking fantastic….but we as a culture are so over-focused on the end goal that we cheat ourselves out of a much, much more expansive, somatic (and dare I say, spiritual?) experience than anyone ever told us we could have.
It begins with how we choose to frame masturbation and its place in our lives.
That choice results in a very different type of outcome on human consciousness and sexual interrelation.
If you choose to frame it in the patriarchal/religious way – that masturbation is a sin against god and a shameful act – then the natural outcome is that
- We grow up not knowing what type of touch we want or prefer, and therefore can’t communicate that to partners. Consequently, we end up enduring touch rather than receiving the touch our body really needs or wants.
- We don’t know how to touch others and rely on what we see in pornography as our guide.
- We learn that our bodies are a source of shame and need constant altering towards societal ideals to be acceptable/lovable. This results in our body becoming nothing more than a tool, often a displeasing one, that we tend to disassociate from regularly and unconsciously.
- We become adults who project our full sexual expression and expectation of pleasure onto someone else (and usually just one person, at that!) and expect total fulfillment from someone else. Which is, if you think about it, a rather tall order.
Does any of that sound just a wee bit familiar? That list could go on much longer, listing all the ways in which this way of framing masturbation is not only unhelpful, but actually abusive – and creates a great deal of needless suffering…but this blog isn’t about what we’re doing wrong, its about how we can do it better.
Because there is another choice.
In her amazing book Sex For One, Dr. Betty Dodson describes masturbation as “The ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.”
I love this definition because it makes so much sense as to why this is so important, and also why it can be so difficult.
If you have read anything about attachment theory, you know that it offers the notion that our interactions with our caregivers/attachment figures in our early formative years plays a huge role in setting up the template for how we relate emotionally to our lovers later on in life, who become our attachment figures as adults.
It is this author’s opinion that something similar occurs with our relationship to masturbation and the way it sets up our template for how we interact with our own sexuality as well as how we sexually relate to others later on in life.
Betty describes just how impactful this practice can be when she writes,
“Masturbation is a way for all of us to learn about sexual response. Its an opportunity for us to explore our bodies and minds for all those sexual secrets we’ve been taught to hide, even from ourselves. What better way to learn about pleasure and being sexually creative? We don’t have to perform or meet anyone else’s standards, to satisfy the needs of a partner, or to fear criticism or rejection for failure. Masturbation is our first natural sexual activity. Its the way we discover our erotic feelings, the way we learn to like our genitals and to build sexual self-esteem. Its the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.”
Now it’s important to differentiate what we mean by masturbation in the Somatic Sex Education community vs. what you might think of it as.
You may not have the dark outlook on masturbation that patriarchy and religion have tried to reinforce, but maybe you just see it as a physical release, a way of scratching a sexual itch. Something to get done if you’re stressed out so you can move on with the events of your day.
Honey, no.
That’s better than “its a sin”, but not at all what us Somatic Sex Educators are referring to.
In our realm, masturbation is a practice that we do in full mindfulness, paired with intention.
And its that mindfulness piece that is key.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, a neuroscientist, writes in his book The Mindful Therapist that, “with mindfulness practice we may become more nonjudgmental, develop equanimity, be more aware of what is going on as it is happening, and develop the capacity to label and describe with words our internal world. We may even develop the ability to have more self-observation.”
Apply this to the practice of masturbation and our sexuality and you can see how this could provide a huge game changer in us being able to accept ourselves – and more than that, love ourselves – being able to track our internal state so we can offer or withhold consent in greater alignment with our true desires, and to be able to communicate verbally about our sexual response and desires.
We would be more keenly aware of our sexual nature as it REALLY is, rather than accepting the way that its packaged and sold to us by our culture.
So rather than going for your habitual, I-just-want-a-release style of practice, I’d like you to try something else.
There’s a specific container for the mindful erotic practice that supports a winning combination of learning and savoring and its important to adhere to this container to the best of your ability – thats when the most powerful impacts occur.
How To: Mindful Erotic Practice
Every Mindful Erotic Practice requires:
- A statement of intention at the beginning.
- A clear beginning and end point (we recommend a minimum of 30 minutes).
- Conscious breathing patterns
- Self touch
- Movement, stretching, or dancing
- Sounds, moans, laughter
- Quiet for the last 5 minutes of each session
- Reflection and note taking after each session
Mindful Erotic Practice COULD include:
- Internal or external anal play
- Costume wear or embodiment outfits
- 1 or more minutes of kegels (if you don’t have a chronically tight pelvic floor).
- Use of toys or vibrators
- Specially chosen music
- Invited witnesses
- Other practitioners
- Video recording
- Orgasm (but maybe not! And that’s great too.)
Keep in mind that this is a practice. And just like with any practice, you start off awkward and get smoother and more proficient each time.
Also like a practice, there’s days where you’re gung-ho for practice and other days where you feel like you’d rather be doing something else.
We encourage people to try to practice daily, but at least 3 times a week. Although any practice is better than none.
It’s important to note that many people have lost the ability to arouse themselves sensually through touching their own bodies and will find this practice difficult, seemingly impossible.
Keep in mind that what we’re doing here is embodying self-love in a tangible, physical way – and we’re doing so in a world that conditions us to dislike ourselves, and to especially hate our bodies – making this work potentially incredibly difficult.
After all, the first step to starting this practice is prioritizing yourself and carving out the time, which is itself a spiritual act of self-worth reclamation.
The world’s traumas and adversities can cut us off from our bodily sensations, especially pleasurable ones, and make us feel reliant on someone else.
I never said this practice was easy – there’s a lot happening here physically, emotionally, energetically and spiritually.
Not easy, no….but powerful.
So many of us talk about loving ourselves, there’s so many self-help books written about self-love – but I find that many of my clients intellectualize the notion of self love – and we humans with our animal bodies need to bring the intellectualized awareness into physical awareness to truly integrate its wisdom.
That’s why this can be such a challenging practice, yet also a rewarding one.
What about Porn?
In Somatic Sex Education, we don’t consider pornography to be a great evil. Its a shame that it often serves as the only sex education people receive, but porn itself isn’t inherently wrong. However, it can encourage a more disassociated relationship with one’s arousal. If you want to overcome “porn addiction” or diminish your reliance on porn, this section is for you.
The following suggestions come from the lineage of Porn Yoga created by Dr. Joseph Kramer, who has been helping folks who are reliant on porn for their arousal overcome that singular expression for decades (among many other things, bless his heart).
Very simply, if you like to watch porn while masturbating, stand up and move around while you do so.
Dr. Kramer writes,
“The simple act of standing is called a ‘Leverage Practice’ because this small effort produces astonishing sexual benefits. This simple shift from almost motionless sex to moving during masturbation allows you to enjoy your arousal, while breaking old habits and exploring new ways of being sexual.”
Just be sure not to lock your knees and keep your movements simple.
Additionally, in a practice Dr. Kramer has dubbed “The Pendulum”, it’s important to periodically bring your attention away from the porn and to your own body for 5 slow breaths. As you breathe, you scan your body and go to the places inside your organism where you experience the most pleasure. Pause the porn while you do this scan. Regularly go back and forth between watching the porn with movement and pausing the porn to scan the body.
Dr Kramer advises, “By moving your attention from the porn to your body and then back to the porn, you are able to sense and savor your arousal in new ways. There is no one way to place your attention inside your own body. See what feels good to you.”
And just like with porn-less Mindful Erotic Practice, have a set amount of time for your practice, have an intention, and be sure to have 5 minutes of quiet at the end of your session.
It is my hope that readers of my blog will understand the importance of this practice in healing and exploring their own sexuality.
Words cannot express the importance of having and owning the sexual self-knowledge a regular Mindful Erotic Practice provides.
Whether you’re in a partnership or single, this practice is vitally important for every individual to undertake independently.
It is my aspiration to create a communal Mindful Erotic Practice, whether online or in person. A space in which a group of people can practice simultaneously in their own way.
Doing this work in community can add to the arousal and excitement and normalization of it, as well as keep us regularly practicing.
If this is something you would be interested in, please send me a message through my contact page and let me know.
Until next time, friends, may you have a joyful and expansive mindful erotic practice.
